Tangled perspective! Thoughts on death!
I’ve been thinking about death a lot recently. When you are younger you imagine that it will never happen to you. It’s as if adults were just put there and that they never lived the experience of being young. I pull at myself time and time again and tug away at my hair in anxiety.. “Can this actually be happening to me?” “Am I going through the process now of facing adulthood?” I’m getting closer to 30 it’s like a big, big scary nightmare. It’s like, God! No! Pleassssse!
I think about how there is nothing, absolutely nothing we can actually do to stop time. And then I think about myself and my weird quirks and cracks and how recently I’ve really grown into myself and I thank God for that. I thank him gracefully for giving me the freedom to be able to do that. It’s almost like an unrealistic, magical process that I never dreamed would happen – I feel as if I have almost been carried through the last years of my life.
I’m such an uncomfortable person I, really, really am and I sort of hate it but sort of accept it. I’m so transparent and everything I drink just washes straight through me so I always need the toilet. It speaks great volumes about me – that everything I swallow seeps straight through me and leaves me feeling empty, leaves me feeling a little bit mad. I feel so hot and twisted and tangled underneath all this skin. I then had this thought that perhaps that is why death does not matter so much? Because the body is so complex isn’t it? We have to break to pee, we have to break to rest our heads, we need sex, we need release, we sweat, we ache, we breathe.
Perhaps it’s fair to think that the soul gets to a point where it no longer needs that body any more, it no longer needs the pressure of getting it ready and prepared everyday. It’s like no matter where you are at in life, young, old, broken, in good health, somewhere along the lines, somewhere deeply hidden in your intuition is a knowing that you don’t need your body any more and the soul is far greater and far more powerful, just like when a butterfly releases itself. The soul can survive on its own. The soul is a thousand bright lights all in one.
The soul is pure, the soul can travel where it wants to, without any transport without any dress-up clothes, without superficiality. The soul doesn’t pretend, because it simply can’t. It’s naked and it’s free. The closer you are to your soul, the more open you are as a person. So if people don’t like that, well then, tough.
I seem to have gone backwards, I remember feeling older at 19, and then 25 and now at 29 I feel as if I have resorted back to childhood on some level, so I’m like a backwards calling if you like, but maybe I had a need to do that? Perhaps I needed to go back and perhaps I am far more healthy that way, than to pretend I’m something I’m really not.
It’s always good to exercise your demons. People don’t always understand demons, but that is only because they can not deal with their own. In this mad, mad goldfish bowl that we all swim around in, we eventually just become lost if we don’t own up and if we don’t speak about what is on our minds and what we feel and what we wish to gain on this venture, this journey.
The creative magic that sits above us all, the God, the wonder, the mysterious, well he wants us to endure the universe and nourish up every minute so its strengthens are our very bones and help us to stand up straight. Let go of all the splinters in your veins and just live life, live it! Whatever remains.
Here is my affirmation for the day:
Try and pretend you have no problems for just one minute
Sit square
And be square
Think about beauty, think about flare
Think about your priorities and how much you can bear
Now, think about darkness and think about the light
And think how we always seem much calmer throughout the night