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I’ve been thinking about death a lot recently. When you are younger you imagine that it will never happen to you. It’s as if adults were just put there and that they never lived the experience of being young. I pull at myself time and time again and tug away at my hair in anxiety.. “Can this actually be happening to me?” “Am I going through the process now of facing adulthood?” I’m getting closer to 30 it’s like a big, big scary nightmare. It’s like, God! No! Pleassssse!
I think about how there is nothing, absolutely nothing we can actually do to stop time. And then I think about myself and my weird quirks and cracks and how recently I’ve really grown into myself and I thank God for that. I thank him gracefully for giving me the freedom to be able to do that. It’s almost like an unrealistic, magical process that I never dreamed would happen – I feel as if I have almost been carried through the last years of my life.
I’m such an uncomfortable person I, really, really am and I sort of hate it but sort of accept it. I’m so transparent and everything I drink just washes straight through me so I always need the toilet. It speaks great volumes about me – that everything I swallow seeps straight through me and leaves me feeling empty, leaves me feeling a little bit mad. I feel so hot and twisted and tangled underneath all this skin. I then had this thought that perhaps that is why death does not matter so much? Because the body is so complex isn’t it? We have to break to pee, we have to break to rest our heads, we need sex, we need release, we sweat, we ache, we breathe.
Perhaps it’s fair to think that the soul gets to a point where it no longer needs that body any more, it no longer needs the pressure of getting it ready and prepared everyday. It’s like no matter where you are at in life, young, old, broken, in good health, somewhere along the lines, somewhere deeply hidden in your intuition is a knowing that you don’t need your body any more and the soul is far greater and far more powerful, just like when a butterfly releases itself. The soul can survive on its own. The soul is a thousand bright lights all in one.
The soul is pure, the soul can travel where it wants to, without any transport without any dress-up clothes, without superficiality. The soul doesn’t pretend, because it simply can’t. It’s naked and it’s free. The closer you are to your soul, the more open you are as a person. So if people don’t like that, well then, tough.
I seem to have gone backwards, I remember feeling older at 19, and then 25 and now at 29 I feel as if I have resorted back to childhood on some level, so I’m like a backwards calling if you like, but maybe I had a need to do that? Perhaps I needed to go back and perhaps I am far more healthy that way, than to pretend I’m something I’m really not.
It’s always good to exercise your demons. People don’t always understand demons, but that is only because they can not deal with their own. In this mad, mad goldfish bowl that we all swim around in, we eventually just become lost if we don’t own up and if we don’t speak about what is on our minds and what we feel and what we wish to gain on this venture, this journey.
The creative magic that sits above us all, the God, the wonder, the mysterious, well he wants us to endure the universe and nourish up every minute so its strengthens are our very bones and help us to stand up straight. Let go of all the splinters in your veins and just live life, live it! Whatever remains.
Here is my affirmation for the day:
Try and pretend you have no problems for just one minute
Sit square
And be square
Think about beauty, think about flare
Think about your priorities and how much you can bear
Now, think about darkness and think about the light
And think how we always seem much calmer throughout the night
Posted on July 07, 2011 at 12:44 PM
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Times can be really tough when you are so open skinned, so torn between just about everything that falls into your lap.. It can seem as if you have no skin at all. If you are a sensitive you probably get sick of hearing what people say 'the lines' and watching them fall ever so neatly into place every time you feel something that someone else does not understand. People say:
“Stop being so touchy”
“Why are you so serious all the time?”
“How are you ever going to survive in the real world?”
Lines like this are all very well to those that are stuck in the outer worlds of practicality. But what about the inner world? What is wrong with it exactly? And why can’t we just stick there for a bit? I’ve been in situations, places and uncomfortable circumstances where I feel as if I am an odd part of the furniture. It’s like the conflict in energies is surprisingly overwhelming and even humiliating to a point because you’re vulnerabilities just sort of leak out without permission and you feel as if you are being highlighted in bright pink.
Practical minded, money-making business people? Forget it! We need to find acceptance amongst each other. Step back and appreciate that our minds are all programmed into different things and it is something that we can not help.
I’ve been reading a book recently from The White Eagle Lodge library. It’s called “Find and use your inner power” Emmet Fox. There is a chapter about being sensitive but happy:
'To be sensitive is good, because sensitive people are aware of a thousand interesting or beautiful things where the obtuse person gets nothing. If our thick-skinned friends avoid a lot of suffering they also miss the finest things in life. To do any creative work you have to be sensitive because the creative worker is the “receiving set” for Divine Mind. The sensitiveness of the artist is proverbial. The writer talks about a client who broke down in their office expressing that “God must be so cruel for making me so sensitive” . The writer replied: “If you had the hide of a rhinoceros you might be a happier man, but you would not be at the Metropolitan”.'
Lots of people of course are too sensitive and see, hear and feel things they don’t wish to. Unpleasant vibrations that capture us off guard.. we can train ourselves to reduce these if we try.
As Fox expresses in the following:
We should try and shut ourselves off to negative things leaving room for the Good, the Beautiful and the True, such as art, music, spirituality. Everything needs to be channelled in the right way. We can do this by intelligently using positive affirmations: “ I am positive to everything” If you believe in God you can also say: “I am positive to everything but the action of God”.
Here is how Fox explains the thought process: 'In an electric circuit any given point is said to be positive to any point below it, and negative to any point above it. Current passes always from the positive to the negative, and never the other way. Now, if you are positive in this sense to everything but the action of God no negative things can come back at you. On the other hand, if you are receptive (or “negative” in the purely electrical sense of this ambiguous word) to all good - the direct inspiration of God, the prayers of other people and all the beautiful and interesting vibrations in the universe come to you.
Sometimes, when you meet people (without asking for it they leave you feeling depressed) whether it is something they said or whether you just picked up their energy and vibration. Therefore the above affirmation can help us all as we often leave ourselves open to mental conflicts without even realising. If you are spiritual or take part in spiritual work then this can be very important for you.'
Posted on June 26, 2011 at 5:43 PM
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One night I had a strange experience where I woke up to find myself looking down on my body - It was basically an out of body experience. I could see myself sitting down on my bed with my hands buried in my face crying in desperation, and I remember thinking that I could no longer go on and that I wanted to end everything. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw a flickering light in the corner of the room... It terrified me so I turned away from it, but something inside my head urged me to face it, so I did. As I did I remember almost being thrown into the light (the light didn’t force me in, it was more of a magnetic need coming from myself) .
I could then see the figure of a powerful man. He was full of love, energy and was kind, caring. Nothing but 100 % love, but it was a love I had NEVER experienced in my life. We were not speaking through normal communication, it was only through expression. I threw all my worries at him and just said "I am so worried I am so worried" He said "Don't be - everything is going to be ok" . I then said that I could not give up smoking and I remember humour and he chuckled and said "C'mon Lindsay, It's not that hard" . I said ok, and I then came out of the trance that I was in and awoke - I had the knowledge that I had met Jesus.. I did not need to ask, I just knew. It is an experience I will never forget, because also, I never touched a cigarette after that again!
Posted on June 26, 2011 at 5:40 PM
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